It really upsets me when I fall out of blogging like I just suddenly forget that I have a blog. Well, I’m here and determined to keep this going because it’s my last year of undergrad uni, and I just want this year to be a year I can look back to.
In the time when I wasn’t blogging, I flew abroad for the first time on my own, and I did end up attending that Harvard conference. I’ve also done quite a lot of academic work since, featuring most prominently a study on university policies regarding sexual harassment in the Philippines. I’ve been collecting books with Benjamin. I’ve felt the ebb of envy, and it’s ugly. I marched on my first rally. I went to Hawaii with my family and had a great time, and I came back to start my internship an international NGO. So, that’s a lot of stories, and they all deserve their own posts. I’ll probably get to writing those as soon as I finish this.
I just wanted to write to get this off my chest, I guess. I’ve been feeling so strongly this overwhelming inadequacy on just about every level I could possibly feel it. I feel inadequate and untrusted at work, I feel like I will never get accepted into any university I apply to for graduate studies, I feel like I will never make money, I feel like I will never be good at anything.
I keep asking, is it okay for me to feel this way. Is it valid that I’m afraid of not being the best at something? Is it valid that it revolts me that I don’t have a niche, is it okay that my eyes bug at the thought of never being recognized for my achievements? Most people won’t and that should be fine. I’m so mediocre at a lot of things. I’m a jack of all trades, passable at near everything and good at nothing.
I don’t know why I keep dreaming of being important, of mattering. But here I am, still wanting that. I know I probably won’t get there but damn do I want to. I don’t know if this is setting myself up for failure or for even more overwhelming feelings of inadequacy later on in life but wanting to matter is really just the only thing that pulls me through from one day to the next.